Love has been around ever since the times of Adam’s testicles and pheromones. Starting carnally in its primal form- lust; it underwent an arc of evolution that moved in tandem with man stepping out of the wild, into civilization and his old habits getting chipped in their edges. Religion was sieved from collective superstition; instruments from blunt objects, agriculture from earth coincidences, vegetarianism from compassion and love from lust. All of this was born from his yearning to put a euphemistic label on everything around, to touch his culture with sophistication. And more importantly to distance himself from his neanderthal self from a past, not long before.
Though love dates back to a time much before marriage, it took up to the beginning of the 19th century for it marry it. And in India, it was not until the 1970s that it really came out in the open. So well intentioned men lurking by the street corners for months and even years in well ironed clothes, with or without vanilla lined “love-letters”, at a cordial-calling distance from the object of their love was the baby step in romance. Conversations were hard to come by between the opposite sexes in a hyper conservative parent-run society, so such bold display of fondness had to accrue in visual plateus and written correspondences. Then times changed, people became progressive. Or pretended to, at least. Phones came in. Restaurants with “family rooms” happened. But still popular culture(read movies) continued to romanticize a man tailing a woman of his interest with dogged devotion to an extent of idealism.
These were movies in which men didn’t bother making conversations, leave alone be chivalrous. They would just follow the woman to an extent she almost felt violated, then levitate to a dream sequence when their eyes met and eventually propose. Often than not these misguided sequences were set to the tune of chartbuster songs that made the hero, an instant alter ego of many a youth who thought from between their legs. And like that, stalking was born again as an art form, which would in a matter of time turn into a modus operandi in many a crime scenes and an eternal seed capital of the pepper spray industry.
Here are some of my favourite stalker anthems, that did their part in furthering this noble cause.
Jaadu Teri Nazar
This was the song, that gave wings to a hitherto frowned upon social activity and almost managed to put it in Naukri’s listing. This was from a time when SRK was a passive stalker, before he would go on to become a household name who playfully threw brassiere at women as an ice breaker, as hordes and hordes of families cheered for him.
Anyways, coming back to the song. This song has got the novelty of the stalkee constantly being on the pursuit of her stalker as he hides and hits on her through the song. Please note the excitment with which Juhi Chawla jumps from one corridor to another of her campus, as the song moves from one suggestive metaphor to another; with little inkling about the fact that substandard poetry doesn’t necessarily ratify psychotic behaviour. The song ends with the evasive stalker finally turning up at her window from behind, to sneak a peak at her changing clothes. Classy stuff!
Had she paid close attention to the words of the song, instead of waltzing around like a bunny on steroids the whole time, she would’ve known that the singer wasn’t exactly the candlelight dinner kinda guy. Next time anonymous poetry makes your way in musical form, keep the pepper spray ready.
This has got to be the most imaginative stalker anthem that there is. A busy tyrant king, just based on the hearsay description of a perverted priest, Raghav Chetan(That name alone is a redflag), decides to wage a war on a kingdom to hit on its queen, who he hasn’t seen. Purely based on the credibility of the said priest who was ousted from the very kingdom for peaking into the royal bedroom to get his late night jolly. Sounds like the prologue of a medieval porn movie right? No. This shit did happen apparently. So this tyrant king becomes so preoccupied in the priest’s fantasy of this queen, that he breaks into a neurotic song and dance routine, to celebrate his yearning…scratch that..craving for this woman he’s never ever seen the silhouette of, with his entire army of soldiers who seem to share his sentiment, given their fervor. From stalking neighborhood women, to stalking imaginary beauties in neighbourhood kingdoms to having an entire army dance to your tune, quite literally, this is stalking Sultanate style.
Do DIl Mil Rahe Hain
This is probably the most decent entry to this list. But only relatively, still creepy as fuck. This song gives a refreshing spin to the stalking paradigm with the guy’s friend diligently stalking the couple from one shrub to another, one dark haveli corner to another as they struggle to find privacy as he relentlessly channels his inner Kumar Sanu. The entire setting is so wrong, not to mention super weird, as each of the couple’s activities(eye contact, hand holding, sneezing, burping, farting etc) are underscored by their friend’s painfully descriptive rendition from an arm’s length distance. Unable to get past him in reality, they finally escape into a dream sequence to hit base one, to only solicitously be followed by the friend’s voice in the dream realm as well. Poor them!
Be careful about the third nipples, eleventh toes, fifth wheels during dates. Especially the ones with a guitar habit and good hair.